Major League Baseball’s home run king and former San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds has been indicted on charges of perjury, obstruction of justice and for being a lying prick, according to a MoneyMike exclusive for Saw*Kick Media.
According to court documents obtained solely by MoneyMike, government officials have ‘used their eyes’ to conclude that Bonds, who still tries to claim a weight of 228 pounds in much the same way MoneyMike’s ex-girlfriend would claim 120 as her weight, ‘is a cheating bastard who, apparently, has been doing this for quite some time.’ Moreover, the document notes that Bonds lied about a positive steroid test in 2001 and that, ‘If you look at him then, he had freakish muscles that could lead even a mild retard to conclude that he was a cheater.’
Perhaps more amazing in those documents is the realization that Bonds, always noted for his chilly relationship with the public, is also a ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’ and a ‘selfish prick.’
“We looked at pictures from when he played college baseball and for the Pittsburgh Pirates – which I guess is some sort of semi-pro team – and he looked like a skinny guy,” said a source close to the case who would only speak with S*KM on conditions of anonymity and a promise that Awful Human Being would admit all Notre Dame fans are self-important douchesnoggles.
“I mean, he very clearly went from a lanky hitter with some power to looking like that d-lineman Lattimer from the ‘Program’ within a matter of two years. I mean, he didn’t wear the face paint, but he definitely got that big. From that evidence, we can conclude that he was lying about his steroid use, which makes sense since we had so much evidence that he’s a prick.”
More shocking than the news about the government having people use their eyes to prove the steroid use is the connection between Bonds being a prick and the potential he may lie.
“This really sets a precedent in the federal court system,” said local trial attorney Eric P. Enkal. “When you think about it, it makes sense that somebody who is a prick would lie – particularly if it saved their own ass.”
Enkal added that just from the group of lawyers at his firm, famed Enkal, Taubin & Reilly, he knew that they all told lies and that each one was a prick.
The breaking news comes as little surprise to most baseball fans – a group that has been using its eyes to judge things for some time now, including figuring out as recently as 2004 that J.D. Drew was overrated.
“I knew that prick was lying about the steroids for about six years now,” said Houston Astros fan Chester Graham. “I remember he played for that semi-pro team in Pittsburgh for a while and he was this real skinny kid. He could hit the ball OK, but mostly I remember that cross earring that he wore; that was bad ass. Then he shows up in the majors and he looks like Michael Strahan’s big brother and hits 762 home runs. What the hell?”
Reports about Bonds’ relationship to Strahan – the New York Giants defensive end who is a douche bag but not a prick – have not been confirmed. A call was made to former San Francisco Giants manager Dusty Baker concerning the whereabouts of the bad ass earring, but a phone message was not returned.
MLB officials have stated that they will probably not suspend Bonds, who is a free agent after a tumultuous 15-year relationship with the Giants ended with Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record and San Francisco declining to resign the moody outfielder. Still, MLB officials were quick to pile on during Bonds’ darkest hour.
“I knew that guy was a cheater from day one,” said a league official who asked not to be named because you wouldn’t know who he is anyway. “You know that earring he used to wear? Fake. That’s why he started doing the juice, he wanted to get a nicer looking one. Of course, by the time he got near the record, he was such a prick that he couldn’t even wear a cross earring any more – that type of fashion sense is just for a minor douche.”
Though there is no clear direction for Bonds’ legal future from here, it appears jail time is possible. He is charged on four counts of perjury with each one holding a maximum sentence of five years. The obstruction of justice charge could have him face up to 10 years. There is currently no precedent set for the charges being a lying prick could carry, but Enkal says that being a lying prick is similar to incest, so he would expect charges to be similar to that.
Enkal could not comment on whether Bonds could use his bad ass cross earring as part of a plea deal.
-MoneyMike is S*KM’s senior breaking news correspondent and chief legal writer. If you have more information about how you figured out that Bonds was on steroids, please send it to cottrill.m@gmail.com
To help your exhaustive research on this column, I will go on record and say that, “Yes, Notre Dame fans are pompous.” I will not go as far though as to call Irish Nation (one more phrase for you all to hate), “self-important douchesnoggles”.
Great investigative journalism here, nicely done Mike.
Who’s Barry Bonds?
Dude, your too silly. Classic.