So we’ve made it half-way through the NFL season and we’re finally getting a pretty good read on who earns the right to be in the top 10, who has a shot at a wild-card berth and who is playing like the Miami Dolphins. With that, I give you MoneyMike’s midseason NFL team rankings.* As always, these rankings hold no Cleveland bias.
*I realize some teams have nine games under their belts, but I don’t consider it the NFL half-way point until the Browns have played eight games. Again, there is no Cleveland bias here.
1. New England Patriots (9-0) You know the old saying: If you can’t beat them, hope that Tom Brady catches leprosy. I know that’s what I’m doing. Unfortunately, a team can only fall into the category of great when it earns its mettle – and the Patriots did just that yesterday. The Colts had the right gameplan and had New England on the ropes. Then Tom Brady found Randy Moss – who is apparently 7-feet tall now, by the way – and I began vomiting in my mouth.
2. Indianapolis Colts (7-1) There but for a Marvin Harrison injury go the Colts into history. In a game where rookie Anthony Gonzalez looked like he forgot to sleep in his bubble bedroom, the Colts came up just a hair short of greatness. That’s still pretty darn good. Peyton Manning’s grace in losing should earn him some much-deserved press time this week, in addition to some possible marketing opportunities (at last!).
3. Dallas Cowboys (7-1) If there’s a better team in the NFC, I haven’t seen it. The ‘Boys next big test comes this week against the Packers.
4. Green Bay Packers (7-1) Does Aaron Rodgers go down as the most screwed NFL quarterback of all time? He got screwed on draft day and ends up waiting through season after season of Brett Favre’s I’m-gone-now-I’m-back-again rhetoric. Then, in a season when it looked like even Packers fans were hoping that Favre was singing his swansong, the ‘gunslinger’ (fourth on MoneyMike’s most hatable overused and misunderstood sports jargon words list) has turned the clock back to 1996 in the same year his defense has matured. Maybe Aaron and The DreamBoat could be friends.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) Note that this pick comes before Pittsburgh’s game against Baltimore tonight, so there could be a rapid change. If the Steelers lose tonight, they automatically fall to No. 30. These rankings are for real, man.
6. Detroit Lions (6-2) If the Lions win 10 games and the Browns make the playoffs, does the league have to fold?
7. New York Giants (6-2) I still don’t believe in the Giants or Eli Manning, but the only other team with a 6-2 record is those escape artists from Tennessee, and I just couldn’t justify ranking a three-loss team above both the New York and the Titans.
8. Tennessee Titans (6-2) Does anyone get more from his players than Jeff Fisher? Along those same lines, does anyone get more from his facial hair? This guy has a killer goatee.
9. Cleveland Browns (5-3) What?? The Browns are in the top 10? Why wouldn’t they be? After winning three straight, the Browns are one of the hottest teams in the league. After figuring out football 101 – if you have receivers that are taller than those defending them, throw to them – Romeo Crennel suddenly looks like a professional football coach. What a difference a little bit of confidence, a strong arm, and a Sand Diego offensive coach can make for a team. I’m a hard man, but this nearly brought me to tears. And K II says that’s OK.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-3) The second leading scorer on my hapless CBS fantasy team? Jacksonville’s defense. MoneyMike never forgets the little people who help him get to where he is.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3) Quick, name four players who both play for Tampa Bay and who are not injured. It doesn’t matter, John Gruden has turned this team into one of those pain in the ass opponents that will just hang around until the fourth quarter.
12. Washington (5-3) It’s a good thing Washington woke up and played like an NFL team this weekend, or they wouldn’t have made the cut for the top 20. I know they beat up on the Jets, but after getting depantsed in front of the nation against New England, it was a solid bounce-back statement.
13. San Diego Chargers (4-4) If you brought a perfectly good car to my car wash three times, and each time it came back with a cracked windshield, would you keep coming back? How on earth does Norv Turner continue to get head coaching jobs in the NFL? He has taken an offensive machine and made it look difficult to win games with the best running back on the planet.
14. New Orleans Saints (4-4) I can’t figure this team out, but I think the four-game winning streak has something to do with Drew Brees being sacked once in that span. It’s almost as if winning has something to do with protecting your quarterback…
15. Baltimore Ravens (4-3) My prediction: The Ravens are 4-4 by the time you read this Tuesday afternoon in your mom’s basement. Try getting up before noon one of these days, would ya?
16. Seattle Seahawks (4-4) Was all of Shaun Alexander’s talent held in his wrist? I can’t figure how a former league MVP can turn into a less mobile Terry Kirby with the addition of a cast.
17. Minnesota Vikings (3-5) It doesn’t matter which one of their quarterbacks gets hurt, Adrian Peterson has emerged as the second best running back on the planet.
18. Carolina Panthers (4-4) How many quarterbacks will Carolina play this season? It’s nearly Jeff George time.
19. Buffalo Bills (4-4) It’s nice that the Patriots are allowing another .500 team in their division. Don’t expect it to last.
20. Kansas City (4-4) Herm Edwards is crazy all right, but he’s hit some sort of stride with an oncoming Larry Johnson and two quarterbacks who won’t be in the league in two years.
21. Denver Broncos (3-5) Do you remember last season when Denver coach Mike Shanahan was over .500 and he benched Jake Plummer in favor of Jay Cutler for the playoff stretch. How’s that working out?
22. Houston Texans (4-5) This is one of those gritty bottom third teams that sneaks up on you. I want everyone on the Browns to repeat that until Nov. 25.
23. Arizona Cardinals (3-5) National pundits: Please continue to call every season Arizona’s breakthrough season. It’s bound to happen eventually, based on statistics.
24. Chicago Bears (3-5) Remember the Chicago Bears? If the average losing Super Bowl team has a hangover, the Bears must have heroin withdrawal.
25. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) When I did a rough draft of this column in my head last night the Eagles were right around No. 20. Then I woke up and saw what happened in the second half against Dallas.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-6) Before their game against Buffalo, someone asked Bengals coach Marvin Lewis if his team still had a chance to make the playoffs. He said they did. They sure did.
27. Oakland Raiders (2-6) It’s time to throw JeMarcus Russell into the fire. What does Lane Kiffin have to lose at this point?
28. Atlanta Falcons (2-6) They deserve the NFL version of the little kid cheek squeeze followed by the encouraging, ‘At least you’re trying.’
29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6) Frank Gore needs to be healthy for this team to win five games this year.
30. New York Jets (1-8) Even those of us who do not respect the Patriots style of play are excited to see what happens when the Jets visit Foxboro on Dec. 16. Can the Pats score 80?
31. St. Louis Rams (0-8) Before the season I had a weeklong debate with a friend over which player I should take with the No. 3 pick that I had in both of my fantasy drafts this year. I couldn’t decide between Shaun Alexander and Steven Jackson, so I took one in one league and the other in the other. As a result, my record is only slightly better in either league than the Rams. One point of Kurt Vonnegut point of appreciation here: KV always said it’s wise to take in the good things that happen in life and say, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’ That’s good advice for sports fans. Just six years ago this team was favored in a Super Bowl. You have to cherish the good times… You gotta cherish it.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-8) My mother always said that if you don’t have anything nice to say about a football team, compliment its cheerleaders. If our designer has any interest in you as a reader, a picture of a Dolphins cheerleader ends this week’s column.
Next week: MoneyMike takes a look at how important the Browns-Steelers game is to his personal life and spends some time on the Cavs West coast road trip.
-MoneyMike is SK*M’s senior NFL writer, editor and enthusiast. That’s mainly because he hates college sports. If you want to chat football, send him an email at cottrill.m@gmail.com
Another good column Mike … If the Patriots go 16-0, the Dolphins go 0-16, and the Lions and Browns both make the playoffs I’m buying bottled water and canned goods.
Skins beat the Lions 34-3, were a Santana Moss fumble away from stealing a win at Lambeau. Your rankings hurt my feelings.
Fan,
You are the one person I do not wish to offend, so we’ll just move the ‘Skins above Tampa Bay and the Jags, which puts them in the top 10. Good? Good.
That’s good for now.