The Indians are lucky I’m not on the team. For starters, I never made it past teeball; I’m small enough to fit in one of CC Sabathia’s pant legs; and I haven’t done a sit-up in eight years. But even more important than all of those things, I can’t handle the postseason.
The Indians were up 2-0, and I was designing an Indians World Series tattoo to put on my face. They lost Game 3 in New York, and I practically laid down on route 261. I clearly would have destroyed team morale and sunk the entire game plan. After Game 3 ended, I would have been sobbing on the dugout steps. I would have walked up to everyone and said, “holy crap, Paul Byrd is pitching tomorrow. He’s going to get shelled. That’s it. We’re toast.” My only friend would probably be Aaron Fultz. And that wouldn’t be any fun because I hate Aaron Fultz.
I thought the momentum was gone. Byrd had stunk against the Yankees all year. Even if we got a lead, Joe Borowski would blow it. Dane Cook kept telling me that this was the post-season, and that I lived for this, but for some reason I just couldn’t believe him. Then Kelly Shoppach mercifully squeezed that final Borowski pitch and all the downer thoughts left my mind. The Tribe won 6-4. They beat the New York Yankees in the ALDS. I then yelped nonsensical phrases and ran around my apartment.
Unlike me, the Indians don’t get down, they don’t give up, and they play the game the same way every day. It’s quite remarkable how well they stay even-keeled no matter the situation. I’m much better suited mentally and physically to watch the games from my couch. To my credit though, I DID wash all 10 of my dirty Indians cups before the game, AND drank out of the “It’s Tribe Time Now!” cup during the game. So, I wasn’t totally useless.
If only the Indians could instill their level-headedness into the fan base. Maybe then I wouldn’t shout unpleasantries to the point of dizziness after the opposing team scores. On a side note, I apologize to Jake Westbrook, Byrd, and Borowski for anything I may have said that went beyond the boundaries of good taste. I regret nothing that was said about Aaron Fultz, then or in this column. Seriously, has Fultz ever pitched a meaningful inning for this team? How did he pitch in Game 3? That was Wedge’s worst decision since he grew that mustache a few years ago. Fultz should be permanently duct taped to the team plane. And then the plane should be flown into the Bermuda Triangle and set on fire.
Anyway, I’m thrilled that we crushed the Yankees in their stadium and possibly sparked the beginning of a complete New York meltdown. I’m also happy that Major League Baseball is giving all of us until Friday to catch up on school work. With all that being said, here are some final thoughts on the ALDS:
Bob Brenly looks like Bill Cowher.
Relievers aren’t special unless they weigh 300 pounds and are named Joba. If your team’s relievers haven’t given up a run in the postseason, sported sub 2.00 ERA in the regular season, and basically carried the team through the entire year, it doesn’t matter. Get ‘em fat, and name ‘em Joba. Oh, and it also helps if they blow a game because they don’t like bugs.
Useless graphics may bring in ad dollars, but they don’t make people steal bases.
You might not have heard about this because it didn’t get much publicity, but Game 4 may have been the last game as a Yankee for both Joe Torre and Alex Rodriguez. I’ll let you know if anything develops.
A-rod sucks.
The sports karma gods read Saw*Kick and find me compelling and witty. If you guys are reading this now, please, let us beat the Red Sox. Dane Cook roots for them. Enough said. Go Tribe!
and the journey continues…as I continue to make sure I don’t watch the games…I even fake the phone calll conversation between B-Mac and myself before every game…he calls to tell me I can’t come over and watch the game because I am a jinx…
Go Tribe. I am officially on the Tribe bandwagon for the rest of the post-season. I hate Curt Schilling, Dane Cook, and Manny. I also dis-like Big Papi because it’s clear he is juiced. I do like Bill Simmons, but it doesnt override the hatred for the people mentioned. Good luck fellas. I will be rooting for you.
I also hate the Awful Human Being. Not hate him as a person, but hate how he thinks Notre Dame will ever be great again, and not just simply overrated again.
I always liked you, Fan. You’ve just got a good head on your shoulders.
Crowell, we need to do a break down of the series before it starts.
Also, Ortiz is not juicing. He’s fat, not bulky.
I’ll ignore the pithy Notre Dame comments.
Ortiz’s head size has grown more than Bond’s since his time in Minn. He’s juicing. That is clear. I would ignore the ND comments too. Not much you can say until the year 2345 when they are good again because them and The Citadel are the only two who survived the nuclear war.
Don’t have to be “bulky” to be juiced. Clemens is a fat turd and he is juiced.
Clemens is one juicy fat turd.