Saw*Kick Media

(Note: Ian is temporarily insane; his id will be posting the article today. Saw*Kick and Ian are not responsible for events presented as facts herein.) I’m not bitter, the series is still early. This isn’t an attack on the Red Sox so much as it is on “Red Sox Nation” and all the A-Holes who inhabit it. Anyone who knows a Red Sox fan can attest to what I’m talking about, the arrogance, the hypocrisy, the stupid accents, and all the other endearing traits that make Boston fans the bane of all mankind.

You can substitute Red Sox fan with Patriot fan, Celtic fan or Bruin fan (Ha! Fair enough, I don’t know any either), there’s something about that city that makes people think their shit doesn’t stink. I can’t figure out how Red Sox fans went from loveable losers to the most arrogant bastards after they manage to win one World Series in the past 200 years. The Mastercard commercial with the Red Sox fans in the bar (the chance to become something more than a fan) makes me see red, I end up cursing and flipping off the TV thinking the Jonny Damon look-alike will somehow know how much I hate his face. Why are these assholes considered uber-fans? They may have the current longest streak of sold-out games right now, but they’ve never pre-sold out the entire season, something Indian fans accomplished several times! They still have to sell out all of next season to even tie our sell-out streak record.

Having been surrounded by both Yankees fans and Red Sox fans in Jacobs Field I am sure of one thing, Red Sox fans are infinitely worse to sit by. They never stop running their mouths, they pop erections every time Man-Ram steps to the plate, they’re loud, boorish, rude, and absolutely psychotic when it comes to this team. They carry around pictures of the green monster, they demand Sam Adams at Great Lakes Brewery, and they eat puppies.

A year removed from not making the playoffs they were still cocky heading into the 2007 season, rightfully so it seems, and they boldly predicted an easy Eastern Division title. The Red Sox tried their hardest to let the Yankees win the Division, but hung on to a two game lead after dominating for the majority of the season. Red Sox fans like to dog on the Yankees, referring to them as the “Evil Empire” when they are no less evil themselves. They have the second highest payroll in baseball and act as if they’re above it all, like they’re somehow less atrocious than New York when it comes to buying titles. At least Yankee fans admit as much, Boston thinks they’re running some kind of commune. Another thing, most dammning of all. Think back to 2004 when they won it all, remember who was on the field? Jimmy Fallon dressed in a sweater vest and emo glasses to plug that lame ass movie Fever Pitch. This is the kind of douche that you’ve welcomed into your fold, hope you’re satisfied. That man has no place on a baseball field at any time, movie or otherwise; he was the trendy face for your franchise that season. Is that the baseball movie you want to contribute to society? It couldn’t lick Major League’s shit covered boots, we should send Charlie Sheen to Jimmy’s house to give him a wedgie just for how lame his is.

I realize this article is poorly written, discombobulated and angry sounding, but the very thought of the Red Sox winning the World Series and the Patriots winning another Super Bowl makes me vomit in my mouth, a lot. If they beat us I hope the Rockies win in four and Fox has the lowest World Series ratings in television history, screw you Boston!

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