Saw*Kick Media

I’m feeling a bit negative this morning, so let’s not talk about Sunday.

Let’s not talk about how the Browns played just well enough to tease me into thinking they were going to turn it into a game before they fell apart and lost to the Patriots 34-17.

Let’s not talk about how I sent out text messages calling for a sweep when the Tribe beat up Old Man Clemens early and took a 3-0 lead in the Bronx.

All that’s history, so let’s change topics and talk about the Cavs for a moment.

Sure, it seems out of place to focus on the Cavs right now – a little more than a quarter of the way into the NFL season and during the MLB playoff push – but lest we forget, they’ve opened up training camp and are 23 days away from game one of the 2007-08 season.

Naturally, that means it’s time to talk about how they will be ill-suited to handle the pressures of defending the Eastern Conference championship they won last spring. Therefore, I would like to do my First Annual MoneyMike’s Five Ominous Signs the Cavs are Doomed list. (As always, it can also be called the FAMMFOSTCADL for those into the whole brevity thing.)

1. Sasha and Andy are unhappy.

We won’t go into the details here, but Sasha Pavlovic and Anderson Varejao aren’t happy. Not unlike Varuca Salt, they want more and they want it now. After all, this is the NBA and you never play out your contract before demanding a larger and unrealistic new one. If it was only one of these guys, I wouldn’t be too concerned. Neither is an absolutely critical part of the team – that is, you could replace either one with a guy with 90 percent of their worth for 75 percent of the price – but together they would leave a gaping hole in the Cavs chemistry and energy levels.

I know that both will play out this season, but unhappy players don’t lead to happy endings. If the contract dispute for both of them isn’t cleared up before the stretch run of the season, this will be a story and a distraction.

Number of wins predicted after this calamity: 52

2. LeBron’s Yankee hat.

I’m not going to be that guy. I’m not going to be the guy that signs off on the greatest non-Kobe basketball player of our generation just because he likes the Yankees. Frankly, I’ve rooted for (at separate times, while they were with one of my affiliated teams) a guy who keeps a handgun under the seat of his car, a guy who sleeps with a teammate’s wife and then gets stabbed in the back by his own wife, a guy who gets blitzed before he gets in the seat of his car and then hides in the bushes when the police come after him, a guy who openly hates anyone who doesn’t fit the White Power slogan and a guy who threw a baseball at a fan in the stands. Make all the Yankee jokes you want, but these guys (Gerrard Warren, Willie Green, Chuck Finley, John Rocker and Albert Belle for those keeping score at home), were at the bottom of the athlete without class chart.

So why is LeBron’s Yankee hat such a big deal? Because you think it is, Cleveland! Here are some things I heard about LeBron on Friday night while attending Game 2 of the Yankees-Indians series: ‘If he loves New York so much, he can just f*ckin’ go there.’ ‘I’m done with him, doesn’t he know we pay his salary?’ ‘He’s always been a cocky guy, but that just proved he was an a&$hole!’

Really, Cleveland? Really? Let me ask you a question, do you know what C.C. Sabathia’s favorite basketball team is? Me neither. I’m guessing it’s the Golden State Warriors, since C.C. grew up in the Bay area and still keeps a special place for it in the giant, nearly clogged organ that he calls his heart. But, really, it doesn’t matter if it’s the Warriors or the Washington Generals? He still won 19 games for us this season.

Now, I know LeBron is a local boy and blah, blah, blah. But doesn’t he go 25-7-7 for us? So what’s the big deal? TBS asked him who he rooted for and he was honest. Good for him. Now, I walk into the Clevelander on Friday afternoon and see a guy wearing a shirt that says, ‘LeBron sucks Yankee Cock!’

Have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy, Cleveland? It’s when you believe something will happen so bad that you actually make it happen. You know, like the time you realized that hot girl you were dating, the one who put up with you living in your mom’s basement and playing Halo 3 all day, was probably too good for you. So then you constantly started over-evaluating the circumstance and accusing her of cheating any time things were a bit off. Then, when she actually cheated on you, you said, ‘Ha, I knew it!’ Except you didn’t know it, you blew it!

So now, as Cleveland treats LeBron like that too-hot-but-also-patient-girlfriend, we’re actually giving him the ammo to go away, even though he’s never shown an inclination to do so. When things start to go wrong this year, I’m sure fans will continue to whisper that it’s because LeBron is in a New York state of mind. Don’t be surprised if that becomes true.

Number of wins predicted after factoring in this calamity: 50

3. The team problems grab bag.

Eric Snow had knee surgery that will leave him out for the at least four weeks. Z, Donyell Marshall and Snow got a year older – and not in the good, experience is the best teacher kind of way. Shannon Brown is apparently fighting people on W. 6th Street – and Larry Hughes is too fragile to step in and help. We still don’t have a legitimate point guard. Boobie is destined to be covered this season. And so on.

Number of wins predicted after factoring in this calimity: 49

4. Drew Gooden did an interview with Jemele Hill. And he shaved his hair thatch.

If Drew plays in more than 25 games this season, I’ll be shocked. First and foremost, he did an interview with that pudgy know-it-all from ESPN’s Page 2. Seriously, Drew? You realize that she has the journalistic merit of a 16-year-old holding up his camera phone when you walk by in Tower City, right? Talking to Jemele Hill is pure poison, as it guarantees that, one, she will actually get page views on that Web site, which seems to be tricking her editor into thinking that people read her material, and, two, she will tell your story with the craft and writing capabilities of a 10th grade virgin writing poetry for his girlfriend.

In that interview, which I read whilst my blood boiled, Gooden also noted that he shaved that beautiful thatch of hair on the back of his head. Hasn’t Gooden ever read the Bible? Besides a bunch of really boring stories about men living in whales and snakes feeding people forbidden fruits, the Bible has one really good parable: Samson. Samson, for those of you S*KMers who have grown up in sin and don’t know the story, was granted superhuman strength. He was like a biblical X-Man. But the source of his strength was his long, flowing hair. Then, after meeting a seductress named Dililah, she had his head shaved and, big shocker here, he lost all of his strength.

Am I calling Jemele Hill Drew Gooden’s Dililah? No. But I am implying that it’s a real possibility.

Number of wins predicted after factoring in this calamity: 48

5. The Boston Celtics

I’ll give it to Bill Simmons on this one: His efforts to sell his soul for one Celtics run have worked. And that’s what they get, one run. With an aging cast of superstars given about as much support as a B-cup would give to Jenna Jameson, they can push through the Eastern Conference and earn one of the top two seeds in the playoffs. Since the Pistons will also be in the top four – though they’ve come back down to earth and factor in at either the third or fourth spot – there will only be two spots left in the top four seeds. Unfortunately for the Cavs, those spots can only be taken through force by conquering the Bulls, Heat (also one run left) and Magic, no easy task. Boston’s emergence will make things much tighter in a previously-slutty easy East.

Number of wins predicted after factoring in this calamity: 45

With 45 wins, the Cavs will be lucky to take the third seed in the East. It would be easy to have high expectations after making it to the NBA Finals last season, but expect a step backward in ’07-08.

-MoneyMike is sorry if he burst your Cavs bubble, but he’s got a case of Clevelanditis. If you want to cheer up him, send him five reasons you think the Cavs will be better than last season at cottrill.m@gmail.com. If you can’t think of five, you can start with one.

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