Browns fans are continually led on journeys comparable to Homer’s Odyssey, Dante’s Inferno, or MTV’s Eurotrip. But from this offseason to the Bengal beat down, the journey seems especially contradictory and bizarre.
The general manager signs a ton of quality free agents. Yay! Wait a second, one of them is Jamal Lewis? Don’t I fucking hate this guy? I’m not sure how to process this information.
The Browns draft Joe Thomas. Thank god! We drafted an offensive lineman. This is fantastic. Sorry Brady Quinn, you Notre Dame ninny. We don’t need another Tim Couch. Let’s give Charlie Frye another shot behind a better line. He’ll just manage the game, that’s all we need.
The Browns trade up to draft Quinn. Woohoo! We got Quinn! Yes! I always liked that guy. We could have used the second round pick we traded to select Eric Wright, a highly touted cornerback from UNLV, but he’s got baggage. We don’t need to mess with a troublemaker.
The Browns trade up to draft Wright. Everyone deserves a second-chance.
Quinn, Thomas and Wright go around Cleveland for months as the fans cheer them wherever they go. Show up to watch the Cavs? Standing ovation. Eating at a restaurant? Standing ovation. Facing a urinal? Standing ovation.
Brady Quinn holds out. Oh my god! This guy is going to be the future and he can’t get to camp on time?! You know what, I never liked that pretty boy to begin with. Go ahead and hold out you greedy Irish turd bag. We’ll do just fine with Frye and Derek Anderson.
Brady Quinn signs. I always liked that guy. He has missed a ton of practice time though. I don’t care who coached you, where you played in college or how many games you started, it is tough to play right away in the NFL. Just ask Couch. We don’t need that. We’ll choose between Frye and Anderson for this season.
Frye and Anderson both stink in the preseason. Uh oh.
Quinn dominates other team’s third and fourth stringers. Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Forget the other two bums. There’s no point in sitting Quinn. The future is now! What’s he going to learn holding a clipboard?
Frye earns the week one start versus Pittsburgh. Hey, he’s an Ohio guy; he’s got some experience and moxy; he looked decent enough against the Broncos in the preseason. I’m behind this.
Frye is benched in the second quarter: Fucking asshole.
Steelers 34 Browns 7. What an embarrassment. Frye is terrible. Anderson is terrible. The offensive line is terrible. The defense is terrible. Our head coach is a total moron. This season is over. I have a headache.
Browns trade Frye. Nice. This is going to fix things? We went through all of training camp; the preseason and the first quarter of the first game, and the Browns told us he was our best guy. Then they yank him in the second quarter of the first game and deal him two days later for a sixth round pick. Astute player analysis, fellas. We have no plan and this is further proof. No one has any clue what is going on. Put in Quinn and get it over with. I’m going to take a bath with a toaster.
Cleveland 51 Cincinnati 45. That was incredible! Anderson is awesome! Our line is coming together! Braylon Edwards is unstoppable! Crennel is still a moron, but Rob Chudzinski is fantastic! We’re 1-1 now. As bad as last week was… who knows? Right?
I high-five total strangers the day following the game. I had the same shirt on from the day before, perhaps these guys did as well. Regardless, you have Browns gear on, I’m high-fiving you. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s slightly different from most Monday’s where I share heartfelt, depressive glances with total strangers while wearing the same shirt from the day before.
Where does it all go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is I’m strapped in and ready for whatever insanity is up next. God help us all. Go Browns.