ADAMLE: Welcome back to Saw*Kick’s latest triumph in awesomeness over ESPN, “Who’s Not Now?” I’m Mike Adamle…yes, that Mike Adamle, from American Gladiators. And yes, I’m sure that I am Mike Adamle and not Ralph Macchio like some of you out there are thinking. Speaking of Daniel-san, will he be coming up in our list of the top 50 lamest people on earth? Let’s find out, as we delve back into the list with numbers 40 through 25. If you missed part I of “Who’s Not Now?” or “Who’s Lame?”, read it here. Oh. Whoops, sorry about that. I mean here.
40. Every boxer on earth. We know. It’s lame to throw up a phrase like this and lump everyone together, but we feel the irony is warranted. Boxing is dead. A much as I’m rooting for the Ghost of Youngstown to get a title bout, hardly anyone outside of Northeast Ohio cares. Today’s youth, what with their ipods, cellphones, Internets, iced coffee and Linkin Park records, need more excitement. The youth needs more juice. The youth goes to mixed martial arts, the UFC, Pride fighting, and the All-Valley Karate Championship for their physical combat. Boxers are so yesterday they all may as well get pale, weigh 130 pounds, grow wispy mustaches, and move their fists in Fighting Irish-like circles.
39. Mr. T. This one hurts. Mr. T. was such an icon, especially for several of us in the Saw*Kick family. But where the hell is he? Generations of children are growing up and not knowing how to pity foos for godsake! Some of them may vaguely remember his brief stint as a 1800- CALLATTT spokesperson (that may not be the number, but whatever.), but that is it. It’s a damn shame. Being Clubber Lang can only carry you so far, sorry.
38. Joe Paterno. After his retirement from college football’s coaching ranks, Joe Pa has really disappeared. He – what’s that? What? He’s still coaching? No. We don’t believe it. Really? Huh. Ummm, moving on.
37.Bobby Bowden. Welp, we hate to say it but– Are you kidding us right now? This is embarrassing.
36. Joe Gibbs. Ridiculous.
35. Scorpion and Sub Zero. Heroes? Sure. Legends? No doubt. Icons? You betcha. Forgotten in the new age of killing prostitutes, running strip clubs and dropping F-bombs? Unfortunately. Mortal Kombat was once the standard for gore, blood, death and delightful child entertainment. At the forefront of the MK Empire were Scorpion and Sub Zero. Either you were a Scorpion guy or a Sub Zero guy. But now, these men of valor are relics of the past. Stick a grapplin’ hook in ‘em. They’re done.
34. Curly Joe. Name the Three Stooges. You probably responded: “Larry, Curly, Mo, and Shemp. F**k Shemp.” This would be very accurate. Larry, Curly and Mo are the main stays and Shemp was a douche bag. But there was also Curly Joe. He was like Curly, but without the humor. This lack of humor, or even a Shemp-like annoyance, makes Curly Joe the fifth and forgotten Stooge.Billy Koch
33. Billy Koch. Nice facial hair, prick. Koch is the ultimate example of the modern day closer. He had great stuff for about three years, then changed teams and pitched for a year with inexplicable mediocre stuff, and then fell into a well and was never seen again.
32. Dave Coulier. Bob Saget is doing standup comedy around the country. John Stamos, when he’s not getting drunk on Australian TV, “stars” on ER. Dave Coulier… well, let’s just say that on that when he lost on Star Search on that episode of Full House… they made the right decision.
31. Rap metal. We all need to agree, right here and now, that this never happened. There are a lot of us out there with an unfortunate music-buying past, and we all need to accept it, forget it, and move on. Everyone out there that ever said, “Damn, I think this Fred Durst is onto something,” needs to bury it deep within their soul and never think of it again. No judgments. We’re moving on.
30. Spurgeon Wynn. We promise this is the last Browns player on the list (well, second to last). We didn’t want it to get out of hand. We honestly could have put the Browns team photos from 1999-2005 up on the site instead of doing this entire long, drawn out list. But it felt a little less fun, and lot more depressing. In fact, let’s rap metal here and move on.
29. Ken Shamrock. World’s Most Dangerous Man? More like World’s LEAST Dangerous Man! Or how about World’s Most Dangerous SHAM! Hahahah. Ah boy. That’s good stuff. How ever you want to totally diss the guy, the fact still remains that he sucks at life, and as his sport finally takes off, he’s a washed up nobody who will only be remembered by Ian Tough Adams for that time he got decked in the face with a steel chair by the Rock. That was pretty awesome.
28. DJ Jazzy Jeff. He’s the DJ. Sadly there is no need for a DJ when one is fighting aliens, being Muhammad Ali, or dancing with Kevin James. (How funny would it have been if in The Pursuit of Happiness, when Will Smith’s character was getting thrown out of some where, they cut to that shot of Jazzy Jeff getting thrown out of the Bank’s residence on Fresh Prince? Here’s the answer: Funny.)
27. Detlef Schrempf. Doesn’t he just seem to fit on this list. Scrempf is forever frozen in time in that early-90s Sonics uni, sporting the Guile from Street Fighter blonde flat top (or Glacier flat top, for all of you WCW fans out there). Schrempf is 1992.
26. Ace of Base. What was this? How does a band like Ace of Base form, get a record deal, get played on the radio, and become famous enough to be included in a “Who’s Not Now” list? We’re really filled with the rhetoricals over this one.
25. Marty Cordova. Marty’s baseball career seems like it fell into a wrinkle in time. Where did it go? He waded his way through six years of big league baseball not doing a whole lot, had a big year with the Tribe, which he parlayed into a big contract with the Orioles, and then he was adopted by a family of lobster people and now lives at the bottom of the ocean. At least that’s what we heard last.
ADAMLE: Wow! Now that’s what I call excitement. Someday this list will be as fondly remembered as E=MC squared, the theory of evolution, and The Assault. That’s it for this installment of “Who’s Not Now?” Be sure to keep checking in with Saw*Kick.com for the rest of this thrilling list. Happy Fourth of July everybody!
I sure hope I make the list at some point. I\’m so NOT now that I\’m almost now again.
Also, lay off Spurgeon Wynn. I remember a day in Cleveland history so dark that I actually chanted his name during a Browns game. Yeah, I\’ve been to that dark place and I lived to tell about it. Now I really believe in this Charlie Frye guy. Or Derek Anderson. Or Brady Quinn. Or maybe even Ken Dorsey. Whatever.
Enjoy! Ace of Base - The Sign