I have tossed around numerous ideas over the past week on what I should write about. All, however, lacked any real sticking power that would be incredibly entertaining. I elect to do a streaming consciousness type article where I let you in on my past four days since my main plan failed. I had planned on giving a running commentary of my emotions during the Buckeyes-Iowa game, however,
DO NOT start drinking at noon if you want to be fully functional for the primetime 8:00 night game, especially if your name is Brian McGarry and you do not know what “slow sipping” means.
DO, even if you are smashed, follow every game ritual you normally would follow. For me, this included in changing clothes in a fury before the game started as well as bonging after every score, although it was utterly apparent I did not need to be doing so. (Ohio State had 6 scores and Iowa 3, chalk up 9 unnecessary binged beers for me.)
DO NOT expect a beer bong made up of a five gallon oil funnel, some plumbing tubing, a plastic valve, some caulk and a few metal fasteners, and making it even more destined to break, constructed by Brian McGarry, to hold up in the storm of the century.
DO realize you just referred to yourself in third person in consecutive “DO’s”
DO NOT let Paulie disappear upstairs with a 6-pack to watch the Michigan game. He will inevitably pass out at his desk.
DO, like mentioned in #2, maintain tradition. Winners adjust. Take the oil funnel covered with dried glue, put it in your mouth. Bong away, you are already drunk, you will be fine.
DO NOT make that one a double. I guarantee you it will give you a huge beer chest, and if you are inside, which you should not be, DO NOT do it on the couch.
DO something creative. You are a winner, there are 74,000 people crammed into the apartment making every trip to the fridge a pain in the ass. Grab a garbage bag, fill it with beer and ice. Take your new PC, personal cooler, to the couch by you and your friends making you never have to get up. Pure genius.
DO NOT extend that laziness too far to the point where you think you have Greg Maddux type control and can accurately toss an empty beer can out the door from across the room. You will almost certainly hit one of your friends in the face, getting beer on them, and if it’s Matt, sending them into a fury.
DO apologize. You are sloppy drunk. You are inevitably going to piss off at least 3-5 people on any given night.
DO NOT make one of those people a girl you once had feelings for five years ago in high school spawning a serious conversation, none of which you will remember. You will only remember it happened and about every fifth word.
DO remember Doob owes you $100 because when you were out back talking to him about being creepy he bet you $100 that Dani Ohio would come back out. She did not.
DO NOT agree to go to the bar with your brother in Farroni. Anyone with a brain is more than aware that you are too inept to go out in public. Furthermore, DO NOT tell him to invite the girl you have been flirting with. You will not remember her.
DO, however, when you are at the bar, throw a Mike Tyson-esque ass punch at a fat girl who is blocking the bar.
DO NOT try to fight back with her. She is about 6’1 255 lbs. You are drunk. Odds are stacked high against you.
DO let Louie Bitsko go into any bar alone. He will either not get in and lose his brother’s license or he will get to the bartender and ask this: “Yeah. Can you make me the Manliest Fucking Drink ever.”
DO NOT let Beatty go out drunk with a shirt he may ever want to wear again. He will almost certainly Hulk Hogan it sometime during the night.
DO try to remember to induce vomiting the night before you pass out if you have consumed close to 50 drinks throughout the day. (Man I wish I would remember this one) If not, you will wake up Sunday morning feeling as if a nail is in your forehead and you will throw up at least 15 times outside eventually waking up the whole house.
DO NOT let Lou drink heavily. He doesn’t drink much any more and was never a purebred drinker anyway. Watching him pound down the Doctor is fun until he is puking his guts out the next morning.
DO act very stunned when you return home to see the house spotless after you left it a mess and find the girl who cleaned it and is now in the process of folding Matt’s clothes. This is a weird situation
DO NOT worry about the weirdness. Down on one knee. Marry this girl. It’s odd and awkward, but you’ll understand one day.
DO come home from the bar on Friday night and have a techno/80’s type dance party. It is amazingly fun. If you are one of those uptight people who don’t “like” dancing, you have issues. Dancing is a fun time, just relax, do something clever and enjoy. (Side note, DO download Call on me by Eric Prydz.)
DO NOT worry about Matt on the couch. He’s not really trying to sleep, only faking while secretly loving the music being played at an earsplitting level. DO NOT listen when he complains about the 2-hour sausage fest the next morning.
DO cheat on Kristyn. She went to the Indian’s game on Thursday instead of staying with you. DO have a heart to heart with another girl just to spite her.
DO NOT admit it to anyone when you find out the next day that you had a heart to heart with a senior in high school.
DO wonder why Raddish has paid to live on campus for the past 5 years. This anomaly of a human being has less than a 30% occupancy rate for staying in his own room. That is even lower than our class attendance rate last year. (not counting Chris, between Dustan, Joey and myself I would bet around 50% attendance)
DO NOT let Dustan attempt to put his hand in the pilsener. It will shatter ultimately resulting in a trip to the hospital as well as multiple stitches.
DO realize you and Paul suck at beer pong these days and are miles away from your Elite 8 form.
DO NOT let your children ever root for a team not Ohio State. It is just too emotionally devastating to do that to your child. Please for their sake.
DO join the facebook group – Parents – Protect your children.
DO NOT think Dustan is not back allowed on the buckeye beard. I expect full participation from you Dustan.
DO expect me to have 5 bottles of champagne with me if Michigan plays OSU on November 18th with both teams undefeated and the BCS Title game on the line. I will be watching the game at OSU in mixed company so the champagne will either be drank with extreme joy, or broke over the sidewalk in a fit of rage. DO hope for good weather so Teddy, Gonzo and our receivers can run on their secondary b/c their front 7 is frightening. DO be pissed at Mario Manningham and Prescott Burgess for leaving our state to go play there. I DO realize this last paragraph probably has you fired up.