Now that the Emmys are over a huge void has been left in our society–an award show void. It’s time to fold up the red carpet and start digesting food again. It’s time to sit back and endure the insufferable wait for the Oscars. I’m having withdrawls already.
I just love the competition too much. Sure, sports are nice. Yes, reality TV is lovely. But I need more. I need more senseless competing. I need winners. I need losers. I especially need the losers. Seeing people lose on a constant basis is what keeps my life worth living. Plus, isn’t that what America is all about?
Well, here at sawkick.com, we don’t settle for this status quo. We don’t let injustices like this just go idlely by as we sit and wonder how things could get so bad in such a well run democracy. We WON’T let the Emmys signal a long pause in competition between snobby, wealthy, hollywood elites!
With that being said, Double C gets to the point and debuts his newest award show : The Seagals!
What are the Seagals? They are awards given out in various categories following an award show to help aid in our collective post-award show stress and depression.
Why name this incredibly ridiculous, unecessary, over-the-top, yet oddly enjoyable award after Steven Seagal? Re-read that last sentence and rejoin us in the next paragraph. Let’s Begin!
Most deserving of a punch in the throat. - And the Seagal goes to: Any of the female commentators on E!’s red carpet show. A tie on the first ever Seagal handed out? Why not. However, I’m not sure if it’s completely a tie. It may only go to one of them. I just don’t know their names or how to distinguish between them. Anyhow, in a field with many deserving candidates, why E!’s female reporters? Well, there’s just something about a mystic tanned, dyed blonde, vapid stick figure that says either “bling” or “ba-dunka-dunk” on a regular basis that makes me want to punch throats more than anything else. Even more than Ryan Seacrest.
Most in need of an intervention- And the Seagal goes to: Paula Abdul. I do not watch American Idol. The last time I paid attention to Paula Abdul, she was dancing with a cartoon dog wearing a zoot suit and singing about opposites attracting. It wasn’t fiction, it was a natural fact. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting her new found addictions to Botox and narcotics (neither were her facial epidermis and communication skills).
Best Supporting Role in an Awkward Conversation- And the Seagal goes to: Everyone interviewed by Ryan Seacrest who pretended he didn’t know who the designers were when they said who made their dress. Come on, Seacrest. Let’s just say none of us are under the impression you spend all of your free time watching football. That’s all I’m saying.
Best Movie Preview- And the Seagal goes to: The Guardian. Ahem, coming to a theater near you, The Guardian, starring Ashton Kutcher AND Kevin Costner in a non-stop, action packed thriller. Breathtaking.
Best Impression of a Real Actress- And the Seagal goes to: Jennifer Love Hewitt. This is Jennifer’s 4th nomination. If you don’t get why she won, then it’s hard for me to explain. But I’ll just say this, she was first interviewed on E! an hour before the ceremony. First on the pre-show. Right after her, you ask? Glenn Close? Julia Roberts? Dame Judy Dench? Try the black-haired guy on The Office that has like 5 lines an episode. Nice.
And Finally
Worst Slap in the Face to Good Taste- And the Seagal goes to: The decision to give a 20 minute tribute to Aaron Spelling and then gloss over the death of Pat Morita in the dead people montage video. If you think he was just Arnold on Happy Days, you are sorely mistaken. For Shame, Emmys, for shame.
OK, I hope that was as delighfully dissatisfying for you as it was for me. For, as much as all of us crave award shows, we also crave the disappointment and shame felt after having watched them. Good night everybody!