Greetings Sawkick.com viewer/listener! Ian “Tough” Adams here, and if you’re like me, you’ve probably just googled “Björk/Donkey Punch” and came across this site instead. Get your hand away from there, you scoundrel! Sawkick.com has something for everyone, even the casual viewer/listener with questionable fetishes. Peruse the site and check out this article later, I’ll wait here. Back already? Peruse harder! Ok, now I’ll begin the article.
I’m here to offer our younger viewers some advice about growing up: don’t. Despite 18 years of formal education I still lacked the intelligence to avoid growing up at all costs, and I’m paying for that mistake now. You might be asking yourself, “Ian, where is the material for those with ‘questionable fetishes’ you promised earlier? You liar!” If you’re actually paying attention to the article (bravo! I’m going somewhere with this, I swear!), you might say, “Ian, isn’t that a little immature?” To that I say, “Bugger off”, and I’ll tell you why. Our colleges and universities, try as they might, never prepare you for the “real world” that you encounter once you leave. I’m not talking about academic preparation, I’m referring to moving from home or school and figuring out how to survive without a cafeteria, high-speed internet, or free toilet paper. So before you decide that it’s time to wrap up your 9-year career at the local community college, consider this: You will be waking up and going to work every day for the next 30 years; what is the rush? For those of you about to graduate college, I’m sorry; you’re as screwed as I am. For those about to enter into academia, go with the 10 year plan, you’ll be glad you did. I’m also going to give you the lowdown on living on your own after college. I have a number fetish; so all of my articles tend to contain a list. These are the top five things schools never prepare you for before you bail, enjoy!
1) Beds are much more comfortable than futons. I cannot stress this point enough, if you have the opportunity to take your racecar bed from home to your new pad, pack that bad boy up. I’ve found that while sleeping on a futon in college is socially acceptable, people in the real world tend to look at that as an indication of “bummery” (Bum-mer-ry adj. Characteristics and attitude that portray oneself as a bum, lacking in sophistication and self-respect). Aside from obvious comfort issues, there is also a certain pride goes with sleeping higher than a foot off the ground. It’s something I can’t explain, but trust me on this one: take the bed.
2) Learning how to cook isn’t as easy as it seems. You’ll figure this out after your 3rd botched attempt at cooking a hotdog in the microwave (the key is to take it out of the plastic wrapper first). But seriously, unless you enjoy eating pasta or heat n’ eats every night, you might want to ask for mom’s pot roast recipe before you take off.
3) Contrary to what you might believe, bills show up every month! Who’d have thought? Digital cable might sound like a good idea when you first move in (after all, skinemax ain’t in the basic package), but it adds up after awhile, costing you valuable beer money every month. Your first job out of college will probably pay you a hell of a lot more than your best paying job previous to graduation, BUT, your first apartment and miscellaneous expenses will plow through your wallet with an insatiable thirst for blood, but money will do just as well. This leaves you with less disposable income than you had when you were working at the Jiffy-Lube and living under mom and dad’s roof. Just give it some thought, that’s all I’m asking.
4) Working sucks. This should go without saying, but rolling out of bed for a class at 9am is much less painful than getting ready for work at 6am. Not to mention all the time you’re going to be spending at this place, with no end in sight. While you’re in school: No matter how bad a job sucks, you’ll be back at school in 3 months, who cares?! When you graduate: If your job sucks, oops. Better luck next life, buddy! Seriously, give your chosen major some thought, while I’m satisfied with the path I’ve chosen, I know others who aren’t. Just make sure you love what you do, or become a pirate, which is always a viable “Plan B” in my book.
5) Toilet paper doesn’t grow on trees (at least not any trees in the vicinity of your house). Unless you happen to own a paper mill, or you happen to be MacGyver, you’ll have to buy all kinds of little things that never occurred to you while living at home and school. Toilet paper comes to mind because a 24 pack of Charmin can cost upwards of $8, you know what that means (see “#3” for explanation). That’s not the end of your worries though, there’s little stuff like toiletries, food-stuff, cleaning supplies, laundry, and the list is endless. I’ve had to buy a ton of little shit that I never would have thought of, like magnets for my fridge, batteries, garbage bags, carpet cleaner, preparation-H, and the list goes on and on. Incidentals, my friends, really make you wish you lived at home could still gank them off of your folks.
My days of freeloading may be over, but it’s not too late for you! My suggestion is that you start failing those classes, goof off more, stay out later, do whatever you can to put off the inevitable sting of graduation. Because when you graduate, although one door closes, another opens, and the knob just hit you in the junk.
futon sleeper chair…
I was waiting for this kind of posts ……